____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
