My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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