it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Bring me that man meat
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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