She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
