So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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