I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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