can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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