She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Randomize
