So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
