I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
