Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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