My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
