I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
