I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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