Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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