VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
