Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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