Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
