Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
