i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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