moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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