I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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