You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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