I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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