i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
