I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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