He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
