I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
