hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
