The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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