In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
