Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
