Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize