I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
