17 year olds will be the death of me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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