Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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