There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
