never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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