Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
