just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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