I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
