There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
