tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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