Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
