Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
