see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Randomize
