Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
