His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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