I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
