My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
