i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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