do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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