Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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