Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
